The Repeat...

I really wonder, am I that bad of a person to be treated like this again? Do I really deserve this? I mean, really? The only thing I care about and thought about each day of my small pathetic life is just to be good and accommodating to others, both old and new. But why is it that everytime I show my caring side, the most vulnerable part of me, I always get rejected?  Am I that intimidating? Or is it the opposite? Please people, I plead to you, I beg you, tell me! You know why I’m begging now? Because it hurts guys! Really! Honestly, I’m still recuperating from my past rejection, and now I thought I met a new friend whom I thought would help me along the way, but what did he do? Subtle rejection! The same style I’ve experienced before. It’s like he just wounded me deep again on the same spot where I was wounded in the past, I’m almost healed guys, almost, but he has to open it up and make the wound fresh again. Hay Mikee, when will you ever learn your lesson? I just wish I’m in a Monastery or something, just meditating, away from worldly hurts and pains. A place devoid of people who would try to give me more wounds, because the truth? A few more and I would be giving up.

It's nice to be back!

Wow! After a week of being silent here in my own blog, i’m here again writing. It’s just sad that I wasn’t able to write during my 1st monthsary of blogging (last June 3 just so you know) since being busy with work made it impossible. Actually, I have attempted to write so many times during the past week but the instance I stepped inside my house,  it seemed like my bed was calling out to me, urging me to abandon all things, even changing my clothes, and just lay my back on that soft and warm cushy furniture. It was also unfortunate that so many things happened during the past week, both personal and work-related that I could have written pages of it here, but then being tired combined with sleepiness really made it impossible for me to even think of how to translate them into written words. But I’m back with a vengeance guys! Hahaha, so please bear with me as I relate some of the most important events that happened.

I Love-Hate Mondays… 

Do you guys believe in the concept of Yin and Yang? Or are you knowledgeable about Newton’s Third Law of Motion which states that for every action there is an equal yet opposite reaction? Honestly, for so many years that I have existed here on Earth, I can’t deny that I constantly experience this , which makes me believe that these concepts are somewhat true. The last of which was during these last two consecutive Mondays. The first Monday was, I could say full of drama and a little bit of rebellion, hehe. For you to better understand what happened, let’s go back to Friday prior that eventful Monday. It was the week then when the Hayden-Katrina sex video started to peak, and all were curious as to what that video really contains. Since some of our teammates have access to a video sharing website, they were able to locate the videos. Being gossip-mongerers as we are, several members of the team created a little bit of a crowd when we converged on that single workstation, thus attracted the attention of a few people outside of  our team. The best part here is that accessing such sites in our workstations and during office hours is strictly prohibited under our company policies so I leave to your imagination what was the repercussion of that action since we couldn’t also think of what might have happened between our Team Manager’s and our Operations Manager’s discussion (if that occured), but after that incident, change definitely happened. Going back to Friday, during our team huddle, each one of us were given our own copies of the Employee manual and were told that starting Monday, no leways will be given and we will all operate “by the book.” Being somewhat hard-headed as we are, all the team members had an emergency meeting after and met into a consensus that we will all wear black on Monday. And so, Monday arrived and we all arrived dressed in black, hehe. That Monday jumpstarted our week of wearing same colors (or designs) as a show of unity and opposition to what happened last Friday. I would say it was a little bit of an immature action on our part, but I could say I’m very proud of our team since it showed how bonded we are J. I’m just happy that all things were settled now …but I would still say Abangan ang Susunod na Kabanata.

Repairing Bridges…

Next Monday, I received a good surprise (well, not really a surprise since I have written to him the night before after a long time of no communication whatsoever) when Jomski emailed me through Friendster. If you are a follower of this blog, I know you are familiar with him and what happened in the past. Yes, I’ve written to him again, not because I want to pursue him (which is very far from my thinking since I’ve already accepted everything and I know he’s happy now with someone ;)) but because I just missed my friend, after all we’re friends before things developed between us. Honestly, reading his reply to my email was a big sigh of relief for me because I really felt that a big weight or burden had been lifted from my heart and my shoulders. It’s really difficult when you hold bitterness and anger against another person in your heart, especially if that person became an important part of your life. I can’t say we’re really back to how close we are as a friend before, but being in writing terms again is definitely a good start I should say, and I hope that this would continue to flourish, the same with my friendship to our other friends like Jaeleen, Jaypee and Joy. I’m also happy to note that Jigz and I our friendsters too, and I’m definitely thrilled and excited to meet the guy that makes my be happy J.  I just thank the Lord that I did not totally burned the bridge between us, so repairing it is not difficult to do.

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So here it is guys! My first entry for the month of June, woohooJ. Thanks again for all your support and I’m really looking forward to writing more of my experiences and views. Feel free to leave your reactions and I hope to hear from you soon.

Seasons of Love

“525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear

 525,600 minutes how do you measure, measure a year

 In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee

 In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life…”

I really love this song the first time I heard it and saw it being performed in a movie trailer of Rent-the movie. I dunno, it just makes me think of how my life has turned into after all the years I’ve existed. Have I done good to others? Or hurt anyone along the way? Have I lived my life worthily, or am I just running in circles? 

For the past 26 years of my life, I’ve met so many people: family, friends from school and work, my first love… And all of them have taught me the singlest, most important lesson that you could learn, and that is you really couldn’t quantify or put numerical value on love and happiness that you share with others because doing so would just make you less of a person. Why? Because if you count the times that you have loved or make others happy, you’re just putting limitations on how you would affect others’ lives thus eventually making your world smaller, an antithesis really of being human.

“525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan

 525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man

 In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried

 In bridges he burned, or the way that she died…”

Thank you for the support!

Hi guys! A few days from now, I’ll be celebrating my blog’s first monthsary! Yay! How fast time really flies…hay. Though it started on a not-so-good note (obviously), I can’t discount the fact that writing through this blog really helped me in a lot of ways. I was able to release all negative emotions, share my experiences and views with others, and the most important, I was able to practice my writing skills again which I think I unintentionally neglected due to being busy with work and stuff. At least I was able to practice my degree again, hehe.

Since one of the goals of this blog is to share experiences with others, I’m also happy to note that people are really starting to acknowledge its presence. Yes, people do read my blog, believe it or not, hahaha! I would like to thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for your unwavering support to this blog. Your comments/reactions do serve as my inspiration to continue blogging my past experiences and share to you my points of view about life in general. I would also like to specifically thank Dany and his friend (the Baguio Boys, hehe) for not failing to email me, showing their full support, and encouraging me to write more - Salamat guys! Don’t worry po, since you’re my avid readers, you’re request is definitely granted  Just stand by for my next entries and I hope you’ll like them too, hehe.

Again, thanks guys for the support! See yah on my next blog entry 

Of F-F and D-A-B-D-A...

I was held up! Nope, not by holduppers, but by Fitness First. Hahaha! Actually, I had my membership fee auto-debited every month, but since my card declined for this month due to my monthly installment payment for my phone (which will end this August, thank God!), I had no other choice but to pay over the counter. I planned to pay last Saturday but since I just came from work and still groggy due to lack of sleep and the unfortunate event in the office (Martial law’s back guys), I had to postpone it and opted to pay it Monday since my mom and I planned to go to my healthcard company anyway. After finishing our transaction with the healthcard company, my mom and I had to separate ways since she had to stay to Cubao, and I went to Robinsons Metro East, where my Fitness First branch is located. I went there knowing that I have to pay this certain amount for my membership this month of May. After arrival , I immediately went to the desk and asked how much should I pay. Lo and behold! They told me a higher amount. I forgot the late payment fee guys! Hahaha! Aside from the standard payment, I paid an additional 4oo Pesos. It’s just fortunate that I have an extra money with me, or else I’ll die with embarassment there. Well, since I don’t have any choice, I brought out my money blindly from my wallet and gave it willingly to the cashier albeit half-heartedly. You know what’s funnier? I haven’t been in the gym since the first month I joined. Hahaha! 

Yesterday still, I watched the Sweet Life with Lucy Torres, and guess what’s the topic; how to deal with a broken heart and move on! Nice huh. They had interesting set of guests and it was very thoughtful of the show to include IC Mendoza, showing the diversed situations in being brokenhearted. Funny is, we had a little bit of similarities when it comes to how we’ve felt after the failed relationship. We both felt we’ve been taken advantage of, though we couldn’t fault our former partners since we didn’t ask anything in return, all because of love.  

I’ve learned so many things after watching the show. They said it is ok to let it out, to grieve, since all people undergo such process after being brokenhearted. And I learned about DABDA. What’s that? That stands for Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance. Honestly, I’m still undergoing the process. It’s funny ’cause I know the exact timeframe when I felt each stage  of emotions, and after assessing myself, I think I’m still at the Depression stage, but don’t worry though since I think I’m already at the end part of it, and slowly transitioning to the Acceptance stage. I know I can’t force it for me to be A-ok, but at least I’m getting there.

Hay, it’s working day again, I can’t wait for Friday…hehe.

MiXeD nUtS!

At long last! I’m here again blogging my heart and mind away, hehe. It’s been a while since I’ve written here huh. I can’t say I’ve really missed writing since I’m not a writing-kind of person, but I could say because of past events, I’m quite addicted now in blogging. My friends even told me that I’m making this my diary already. But isn’t that the main reason why blogs came into being? To be our online diary? Maybe the only difference is that blogs like this one I have are very public. There are so many reasons why people set up their blogs, well like I’ve said before, for me it’s therapeutic. It helps me release stress brought about by emotional burdens. And so far so good! I’m starting to confront life again, head on. I’ve accepted that when you love someone, you must be ready with all the consequences that might happen. It’s just unfortunate that mine did not prosper like I have planned or intended, but that’s life. For every door closed, there’s another one being opened for us. It’s just for us to decide whether we want to stand infront of that closed door forever, or move on and look for other doors being opened for us. Doors that may lead to better things and people who would eventually be more deserving of our attention. But as for me, I’ve already chosen to leave that closed door behind, and look for bigger and better doors.

What a week that was!  A lot of things happened, not necessarily about me, but also within our country and the world in general. There was this video scandal of Dr. Hayden Kho, the love interest of doctor to the stars, Dr. Vicki Belo, that really shook the country. Even Malacanan had already reacted on this! My take on this issue? Though I’m sympathetic to the girls in the videos (if they really don’t know they’re being videoed), I really can’t waste my precious time delving into this issue, since it doesn’t concern me in the first place. Besides, I believe that if more and more people patronize this issue, we’re just giving more reasons for others to profit from this unfortunate incident. So guys, let’s just leave this to the government agencies concerned, and move on. Remember there are more important issues to focus on. Issues that could literally change the course of our future and the country’s future in general. Yes, I’m pertaining to the Presidential elections next year.

I commend the COMELEC for making sure that elections next year would be fully automated. You know, I’m a firm believer of an automated election because for me, the faster the votes are casted, counted and canvassed, the lesser the time we give those evildoers to tinker the actual results of the election. It would mean that the people we would place in government, are the people who have our mandate. That would show the world that democracy really works and is very vibrant here in the Philippines. I also commend the different groups who would serve as watchdogs and guardians of our ballots. They are giving utmost service to us all, us ordinary citizens who for so many years have been taken advantage of by people greedy for power. Let’s do our share guys. In our own little ways, like just voicing our support for them would be a big morale boost for them.

Finally, the situation that we are most afraid of happening yet being anticipated has arrived. Influenza A(H1N1) has landed here in our country! Though it’s not an outbreak (yet), it’s just a little bit concerning that it’s already here. So guys, don’t forget to always wash your hands before and after eating, touching things being touched by others, and if you could help it, avoid crowded places. Remember, H1N1 is an airborne type of virus so it could easily be transferred from one person to another. Heed all government warnings, and also do our part in containing this virus and preventing this from being spread around by being hygienic.

Wow!  Different topics in just a single entry huh. I think I would like this kind of set-up, hehe.

Standby...

It’s been a long time since my last entry, ayayayay. Actually, this would only be a very short one too since I’m still consolidating my thoughts about different things that I want to write about. Let’s just say I’m having a li’l bit of situation called writers’ block so I opted to relax for a while from writing. But don’t worry guys, especially to those who are frequent visitors of my blog, this block’s just temporary and I’ll be writing again on Saturday bout ALOT of things that happened during this past week, so please stand by…

In My Life

Hi guys! Just want to post this… I know some of you would be somewhat surprised by the pictures below, but hold your horses! It’s just for movies guys so huwag seryosohin ha. I actually saw the pictures in philstar.com while reading Ricky Lo’s Funfare column, you know what? sobrang napanganga ko! Not because of the hug per se, na-amaze ako kasi super realistic nung dating nila. It’s like they’re so much in love with each other talaga. Just look at their faces  I predict this would become the biggest movie of the year, and I’ll definitely watch this 

I wonder what would JLC-Sarah fans would say on this…hmm…hehe 

Photos courtesy of Star Cinema and Philstar.com/Ricky Lo. No copyright infringement intended while posting these pictures.

Happiness is...

Hay…today is exactly the third month of you-know-what, and I thought I don’t need to write anything for today here in my blog since I’ve already told/written everything about that fateful day during my last entry. But I think it would be a disservice for me or even for those who are reading my blog entries if I won’t write something today, hehe. I know it sounds self-indulgent and so assuming of me but this is mine anyways so move on, hahaha!

I was ‘talking’ (Texting actually) to my bex Jaeleen earlier. We had discussions about our past loves, her present loveydovey, the different sweet gestures I would like my future beau would do for me which you-know-who didn’t do, etc. But our discussion ended with her wishing me strength to surpass the sadness I’m into right now, to be patient and just wait for happiness and love to come because true love waits.

But truly, what is happiness? Can it be measured by the amount of money you have in your pockets? Or the gifts that you are constantly showered with? Or the number of friends that you have? Can you find your happiness by loving another person actually? Or by hurting another? Or is it found within?

After all the things that I’ve experienced, especially in the recent past, I’ve learned that happiness is really a very vague concept. You can’t actually judge people as hypocrites if they say the more wealth they have, the happier they will be, because they might have experienced extreme poverty. Some people find happiness either through giving or receiving because they feel their importance by doing so. Some are happy when they are with another person and some are happy being alone. 

Fortunately and unfortunately, I’ve seen all these kinds of happiness, experienced some even. That’s why for me, though it is immeasurable most of the time, happiness is too costly. Not because of wealth or material things, but because some people could only compare happiness in relation to happiness of others. That to attain ultimate happiness, hurting others is inevitable. 

After all the bad events that happened, one of the very important lessons I’ve learned is not to rely on other people’s  happiness for you to be happy as well. Not because you don’t want to be happy, but because there are no assurances that all the things that you gave or the efforts that you did will be reciprocated or even be appreciated enough. That for you to be happy, you must be happy only for your own good. It may sound so selfish, but it’s reality.

“Reality Bites”

Suicide

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NopE! I’m not comtemplating that, definitely not, so don’t worry! Hahaha  I’m just thinking for an effective title and I think this would really get people’s attention so since you’re reading this right now, thank you for the concern, hehe.

To be honest, I planned to write this entry on Sunday, the 17th of May since it marks the 3rd month since my ex texted me and said we’re on the wrong track so we should call our ‘relationship’ off. I know, I know, you’ll think why still bother counting those days and spending too much time for that piece of crap, well, I can’t help it! Maybe because my ego was hurt since he was the one who dumped me and not the other way around? Nope, sorry not that since I loved him sincerely and ego was way out of my thinking back then. I think because up to this day, I still have so much questions why it happened. These questions are rhetorical in nature, questions that I know wouldn’t be answered directly or even wouldn’t receive answers at all.

Is it really that simple to just fall out of love while two days ago you’re both so much in love? That even though you’ve cemented that love with a kiss, you’re relationship just gaining momentum, and you’re already planning how to celebrate your 1st year anniversary when in fact your love was just 2 weeks old, then a couple of days after he’s abandoning you? Why me? Do I deserve this kind of hurt? Am I that bad a person? Why me being the guinea pig in the relationship? Why?

How do you determine if someone loves you or he’s just testing the waters, trying to know if he could venture in this kind of relationship? I just felt like a mouse being in love with an eagle actually. Pathetic me. Falling prey willingly to his predator. I know this comparison is somewhat unfair, but this is how I felt, how I feel even right up to this moment.

Yes it is easy to just say move on, or when you love somebody set him free, if he’s yours he’ll come back to you, if he doesn’t, he’s not yours at all (this is he’s new beau’s shoutout by the way). But you see, love is also selfish, it is because you depend some of your happiness on that love, and who’s the idiot that wants that happiness to cease or be taken away from him, right?

Like what a song says, ‘So many questions, but the answers are so few’, and I think I just have to resign myself to the fact that these questions wouldn’t be answered at once, or even at all. After writing all these, you might conclude that I still love that piece of crap…maybe…maybe no…and thinking all these is like really commiting suicide over and over again. I hope though that the next time I’m on the edge of that very high building, gearing up to jump off again, someone would hug me or hold my hands and pull me off from that edge, stopping me from doing that jump, making sure that I’m okay and eventually showing me that I don’t need that old crap anymore, that life is really beautiful, that living again is worth it, and loving again is more meaningful the next time around.

“Live the life. Love life. Love love.”