Suicide

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NopE! I’m not comtemplating that, definitely not, so don’t worry! Hahaha  I’m just thinking for an effective title and I think this would really get people’s attention so since you’re reading this right now, thank you for the concern, hehe.

To be honest, I planned to write this entry on Sunday, the 17th of May since it marks the 3rd month since my ex texted me and said we’re on the wrong track so we should call our ‘relationship’ off. I know, I know, you’ll think why still bother counting those days and spending too much time for that piece of crap, well, I can’t help it! Maybe because my ego was hurt since he was the one who dumped me and not the other way around? Nope, sorry not that since I loved him sincerely and ego was way out of my thinking back then. I think because up to this day, I still have so much questions why it happened. These questions are rhetorical in nature, questions that I know wouldn’t be answered directly or even wouldn’t receive answers at all.

Is it really that simple to just fall out of love while two days ago you’re both so much in love? That even though you’ve cemented that love with a kiss, you’re relationship just gaining momentum, and you’re already planning how to celebrate your 1st year anniversary when in fact your love was just 2 weeks old, then a couple of days after he’s abandoning you? Why me? Do I deserve this kind of hurt? Am I that bad a person? Why me being the guinea pig in the relationship? Why?

How do you determine if someone loves you or he’s just testing the waters, trying to know if he could venture in this kind of relationship? I just felt like a mouse being in love with an eagle actually. Pathetic me. Falling prey willingly to his predator. I know this comparison is somewhat unfair, but this is how I felt, how I feel even right up to this moment.

Yes it is easy to just say move on, or when you love somebody set him free, if he’s yours he’ll come back to you, if he doesn’t, he’s not yours at all (this is he’s new beau’s shoutout by the way). But you see, love is also selfish, it is because you depend some of your happiness on that love, and who’s the idiot that wants that happiness to cease or be taken away from him, right?

Like what a song says, ‘So many questions, but the answers are so few’, and I think I just have to resign myself to the fact that these questions wouldn’t be answered at once, or even at all. After writing all these, you might conclude that I still love that piece of crap…maybe…maybe no…and thinking all these is like really commiting suicide over and over again. I hope though that the next time I’m on the edge of that very high building, gearing up to jump off again, someone would hug me or hold my hands and pull me off from that edge, stopping me from doing that jump, making sure that I’m okay and eventually showing me that I don’t need that old crap anymore, that life is really beautiful, that living again is worth it, and loving again is more meaningful the next time around.

“Live the life. Love life. Love love.”